Planet Gundog Forums - Off topic chat

gundog video's (4 replies)

tommy — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 19:51:50 +0000

Policeman kills 2 dogs ! (no replies)

tim — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:29:45 +0000

The copper that killed his 2 dogs in Nottingham should have his eyes poked out with a red hot poker, what a tatal pratt !

Michael Jackson most famous person on Earth ? (1 reply)

tim — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 16:33:00 +0000

Jacko, most famous person on Earth ? Who else comes close to his level of fame ?

RIP Michael Jackson (no replies)

tim — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 08:39:46 +0000

Planet Gundog Juke Box, Cool tool try this out ! (24 replies)

tim — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:24:12 +0000

Go to YouTube and search for your favourite tunes, on the right of the screen when you have found it will be some HTML code "embed" Copy the code and paste it here add to our juke box and listen away !

Great Tool !

Can I borrow your dog ? (3 replies)

tim — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 08:56:03 +0000

Joe owned one of the finest dogs ever seen. It had won many trophies over the years. One day, Joe got a call from a friend named Bob, who asked if he could borrow the dog to go pheasant shooting on saturday. Well, Joe told him that he never loaned his dog to hunt, and asked Bob if he had ever hunted with a dog. Bob said "Oh sure, grew up hunting with a dog". "Well then, you're a pretty good friend, I guess you can use him", Joe agreed. Saturday, Bob showed up, and Joe brought out his champion dog and loaded him in the truck."Good luck", Joe said,"hope you brought plenty of shells, see you later". That evening, Bob came back to Joe's, and Joe came out to meet them. "Well, how many did you get?", Joe asked. "We didn't get any" Bob shouted. "That's unbelievable" Joe exclaimed. Bob said,"Yea, it was the funniest thing, we got there, I loaded my gun, I let out your dog and we started hunting. All of a sudden, your dog stopped. He had his head pointing straight forward, his ears were straight forward, his back was straight as an arrow, his tail was pointing straight back, his one paw was lifted up off the ground, and he just stood there. Couple quick kicks in the ass broke him of that shit".

Two hunters (1 reply)

tim — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:20:12 +0000

Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

Latest Scandal at Disney!!!!! (no replies)

tim — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:16:12 +0000

Donald Duck has filed for divorce from Daisy. His solicitor spoke to him the other day re the "grounds" for divorce.

Solicitor: "We have had Daisy evaluated by a Doctor, and he says Daisy is not INSANE."

Donald: "I didn't say she was INSANE, I said she was F*****G GOOFY !!!!!!"

Technical support (no replies)

tim — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:14:43 +0000

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

The Bathtub Test (no replies)

tim — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:11:47 +0000

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Man trys out chat up lines in airport (no replies)

tim — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:10:44 +0000

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful
woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides
because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight
attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly
and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the
hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred , he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines
motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the **** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'EasyJet''.

WAXING........ (no replies)

tim — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:09:30 +0000

This is definitely a woman thing

For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't
will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This Is
by far one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Hair Removal...

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but...WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of Easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the Wax.
Read on........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, Play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I
headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel then
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah...right! ) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the Skin
round it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPP P!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!! !

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. cr*p! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay
conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's
No hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need
to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may Pop
off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can Stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax Should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!! !*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! !

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scr*pe the wax
off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3,6, & 12! (no replies)

tim — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:07:59 +0000

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to

walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,

son. Men use them to have safe sex."

Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health

class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why

are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one

for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are

these for?” Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for

Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up

a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for

married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

Word Perfect helpline conversation. (no replies)

tim — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 18:05:40 +0000

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Pilot/control tower exchanges (very funny) (1 reply)

tim — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 08:56:01 +0000

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right."

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to do exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly quiet after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

************************************************** ****

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored"

Tower Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately".

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway".

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers...."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't land"

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Thomas Cook complaints (1 reply)

tim — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:05:11 +0000

Competely off topic but very funny !

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring
our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted
a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant
beast
ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in
by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined
as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the
Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee
hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests
before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
room
that we booked."